So, my story...

So, my story.

 

      It started when I was a little kid actually. You see when I was a baby my parents separated, and my father worked a lot so I didn't get to see him as much and to take the place of my dad I had my older brother Preston help take care of me. Preston was my world he was my second dad, even seemed like my first sometimes, and he meant so much to me. I loved him with all of my heart, and I still do.. but one day when I was actually at my dads house for once Preston was on his way home with his friend and she was speeding. She then swerved around the corner and went head first with the car into a tree, and Preston wasn't wearing his seatbelt so he was ejected from the car and passed away almost immediately.


      Finding that out was probably the most horrific thing ever, it broke my heart to pieces and I was so sad,and I still am. Growing up that effected me and my family very much..and the way I would cope with the loss as I was getting older was by just eating. I was basically a binge eater and I didn't know, so I gained a lot of weight and I was made fun of in school. I didn't take any note of it really in elementary school, I mean yeah it hurt a lot but I figured I would slim down as I got older. I was clearly wrong with that because by the time I was in sixth grade I was still "fat". People always called me fat and ugly, they called me greasy haired, bubble bellied, etc. Not just behind my back but to my face too, it hurt more and more every time and the point in time where I knew I had to do something was when I even heard my dad call me fat while on the phone with his girlfriend.


      So I tried to loose weight by eating right and exercising, but it didn't seem to be a quick enough solution for me and me being my lazy self it was way too hard. The only other solution I could think of was to just not eat, and that's what I did, at the age of only about 12 I suffered from anorexia. Its terrible, that 11-12 year olds can suffer from it too, and not only did I have anorexia but i had bulimia too. In case you don't know, bulimia is basically eating but making yourself sick after so you don't feel as though you gained any weight. I suffered from this for a very long time, and I was absolutely miserable because my childhood was kind of cut short. I also self harmed too, with the loss of my brother, the name calling, and the suffering through my eating disorders the only way I could feel better was through an immediate release on my body. I was so messed up on the inside and I needed some way to match it on the outside, so that was my decision. It went on for nearly two years, and one day I heard this song "You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like im made of glass.." and it really effected me from the start, it was by Demi Lovato, one of my favorite singers. I saw that she had been in treatment for a few months so I decided to see why, and I found out it was pretty much because she suffered from the same issues I had. I saw how she spoke up and got through it all, and she was on her way to recovery.. it gave me some kind of hope, I felt that maybe I could get through it all. Maybe. So I kept listening to her and all of her speeches and stories, and I knew I had to do something.


      By the age of 13 I finally spoke up in a way, I didn't go to treatment or anything but I told the people around me that I did need help. They turned out to be way more helpful than I expected and they helped me get through it, they made sure I was eating healthy every day and it was a hard struggle at first because its not that easy, getting over those kind of issues. But I was on my way to recovery, and days when I felt down I just thought of Demi and my family, and most importantly I thought of God. I did get through them and I do have day all the time where I have to debate about whether or not to eat my dinner every night, but I do. I also suffered through self harm once more, but it was over a guy. Yup, a guy. He broke my heart, he seemed so sweet and nice at first but he was such a player, he tore me down with his words and actions. I guess you could say he broke me, in a way. I got through it though, with the help of these other, very special guys. They always seem to have put a smile on my face whenever I was feeling down and they made me completely forget about him, this actually sounds very cheesy but it's true. People say that music is just words, but honestly you can say a lot with it. You can really speak to people with music if you truly put your heart and soul into it.


      So basically to end things here, im just going to say that if there's anyone in this world who feels unworthy, or not good enough, they are. They can overcome it just like I did if they speak up, never be afraid to speak up and be yourself because once you do, you can start to see the light at the end of that dark tunnel. And if you aren't suffering, keep an eye out for people because anyone can be suffering, even at the young age of 12.  Its honestly such an amazing feeling, to be able to smile and say "Im so happy today" and actually mean it. Please, speak up.. because someone will hear you.