For the past three years...

      For the past three years, my whole life has been flipped upside down. I've been dealing with depression, anorexia, suicidal thoughts and much more due to constant bullying. My name is Taylor, and I was born three months early at a merely one pound ten ounces. My parents have been divorced since I was a baby and I have been bullied for as long as I can remember- meaning preschool onward. Since I was a child, others would pick on me for being smaller or shorter than everyone else. Throughout elementary school it slowly got worse because at first I was too skinny, but then I gained a lot of weight and everyone forgot that once petite girl and focused on the chubbier version. From being called fat it went to ugly and it has been progressing since then. My grandmother (who was like my mother) died in May 2008, a few months later in November I discovered Allstar Weekend. A year or two later I had discovered two other bands - Paradise Fears and Before You Exit. Music seemed the only way to cope with her death, but I was about to start middle school and that's when the depression hit. My parents had started fighting and in sixth grade my grades went from A's to C's and slowly to F's. I had a somewhat large group of "friends" if you could call them that. These so called "friends" would talk behind my back, spread rumors about me and make fun of me. When the next year came around I told my dad the reason I wanted to switch schools was because the pressure, but honestly it was the constant harassment. In the beginning of the year. I went from private school to public school. But, no one wanted to be friends with the new girl. I managed to make some friends, but that's when the cyber bullying kicked in. My old friends from my old school would contact me on FaceBook and would gang up on me and say things that weren't true, and I let their words get to me. Slowly everyone at my new school started to do the same thing. They would tell me that I'm ugly, fat, worthless, emo, slut, whore etc. My "friend" who I had told almost everything to began saying that I cut myself and that I had made this butterfly project account on Instagram and the guy I liked turned out to be a jerk, and only wanted me for my body.I had begun to feel like a lost cause. Everyday after school I would lock myself in my bathroom. Stare ay my reflection in the mirror and look at this girl who was broken and bruised. I would cry for hours, I would cry because I hated what I saw, I would cry because I hated what I had become, I would cry because I thought I was alone. A few times I would sit in my bathtub and take out a razor and others a bottle of pills. I had contemplated ways to kill myself and that it would look like an accident. Then January came around. January 29th, 2012. That's when I realized how much these bands meant to me. I had gotten tickets for my best friend and I to see a few of our favorite bands. Allstar Weekend, Before You Exit, Hollywood Ending and The After Party. That was the first night in a long, long time where I didn't feel lost and alone. I've never really gotten to thank these bands for not just saving my life and making it so much better and for saving so many others.

I've put up walls and hidden so many secrets because I'm that friend who acts strong and goes out of their way to make people happy in ways I don't have to. But I'm really not that strong- I've thought self harm and suicide, but I've never actually done it. Why? Music. ("thats the thing with music when it hits you feel no pain" -sanctuary paradise fears) These bands are one of my few reasons I stayed so strong and one of the reasons I refuse to end my life. One of my favorite bands Paradise Fears, the lead vocalist Sam Miller has this quote that goes like this "One of my biggest fears is finding out a fan of our music took their own life. It's honestly one of the scariest things I've ever thought about. They aren't just fans. They are my everything. And I wouldn't want to loose part of my everything." This quote has had a major impact on my life because even now I have my moments where I find a blade or pills but I stop and I wont bring myself to do it and even though I still get bullied and I still have so many insecurities. I try to love myself for who I am, and music plays a major role in that. Without music I wouldn't be here. I would of given up on myself. The past is the past, you learn from your mistakes, because you fall so you learn how to pick yourself up off the ground. Whenever I'm having a rough day or the memories come back to haunt me, I close my eyes, put my headphones in and listen to music. I listen to my favorite bands and I thank my lucky stars, I am alive. I think what would happen if I actually did kill myself and who it would affect. I have been bullied for the past 13 or more years and I know my life hasn't been the greatest, but sometimes the worst things happen to the best people.

This is for everyone out there because I try and help everyone and anyone I can whether we like the same music, shows, we go to the same school or maybe you just need someone to talk to. You are not alone, so find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying. And its okay to put up walls because we put up walls not to block out people, but to see who is strong enough to get past them. And the minute you feel like giving up remember the reason why you've held on for so long. -Taylor